A major Labour policy announcement faces a right Balls-up.1
6.00am
“It’s technically brilliant,”
said Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. “It’s tough on the rich, and tough
on immigrants. It’s a home run.”
Trouble was brewing in Conservative
HQ. The Labour party had announced that they will abolish the controversial “Non-Domicile”
(or “Non-Dom”) tax status, meaning that foreign millionaires or international
business persons will be more liable to pay tax in Britain.
“It will cost the Treasury
millions and damage our economy,” said George Osborne.
“Do you know that for sure?”
“Of course not. It’s just what I
say about any Labour tax plan. Though, the Non-Doms could just up sticks and go
to Monaco. Let’s be frank, they’re not here for the weather.”
8.11am
When Osborne goes into the media
scrum and says that the scrapping of the status could cost hundreds of millions
in jobs and investment, Ed Balls tweets “He’s really opposing this?”
And the Shadow Chancellor sits
back and thinks “I mean, who could really oppose this? I dimly remember someone
disagreeing with it who I quite liked. He made some good points. Who was that
guy?”
9.32am
Joey Essex’s journey is
continuing, and today he has the dubious honour of meeting Nigel Farage. “I
like your coat,” said Essex politely.
A reporter later asked Farage
whether he knew who Essex was. Turns out he doesn’t. Which is worrying because
that means that Nigel clearly doesn’t watch the news. Joey’s all over that
programme.
Then, in an attempt to get to
know each other better, they took a boat trip together. Around Grimsby.
Mrs Farage must be a very lucky
woman. The first Mrs Farage, I mean.
9.41am
It was practically a champagne
socialist breakfast at Labour HQ. The latest polls are putting them a few
points ahead, the Non-Dom policy was dominating the front pages, and Nicola
Sturgeon was flirting with them in public. Everything was coming up Miliband.
Still, one researcher was running
around asking questions.
“How much money will we raise
with the Non-Doms policy?”
“Millions.”
“How many millions?”
“Many millions.”
“Exactly how many millions?”
“Difficult to say. But they’re
rich and we’re going to tax them, so we’ll make millions. Simple logic really.”
“Right. I think we do need to address
the concerns about the Non-Doms leaving.”
“It’ll be fine. The important
thing is that we are closing a loophole that is ridiculously unfair. Today is
our day. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing.”
10.28am
Something went wrong.
Some idiot in the Labour party
basically became George Osborne’s mouthpiece, saying: “I think if you abolish
the whole Non-Dom status then probably it ends up costing Britain money because
there will be some people who then leave the country."
“Which moron said this?” demanded
Ed Balls.
“Err… you did, Shadow Chancellor.
In January.”
“Ohhhh,” sighed Balls. “That was
the guy I was trying to remember. I love that guy.”
11.00am
No such hiccoughs for Ed
Miliband. Not even when he was facing off with Paxo has he looked this
confident. He is in Coventry, talking with genuine fervour, chest puffed out
and shoulders broad. It’s like Labour have injected him with the secret serum.
In CCHQ, they gaze on helpless.
George Osborne is calling the policy “a total shambles”, but they may be onto a
hiding here. It looks like they are defending the wealthy few, whilst Labour
have seized the news-cycle, and then it just gets worse for them because Nigel
Farage has done something even more terrible.
He’s accused David Cameron of
using hair-dye (presumably Just for Men). Whilst describing shaking hands with
the Prime Minister at the end of the leaders’ debate, Farage said “I was very
polite and complimented him on his appearance. Any man who can reverse the
greying process, I’m jealous of.”
Nigel’s anti-aging tips include
getting your five pints a day, killing off nasty cold bugs with cigar smoke,
and closing the borders.
12.10pm
Labour’s fighting-talk continues,
as Ed Balls, having remembered himself, reveals that the infamous clip of him suggesting
that the abolition of Non-Dom status may lead to a mass-exodus of many big
investors was edited by the Tories.
Balls blogs: “They have dropped
the part of my interview where on non-domicile rules I say “I think we can be
tougher and we should be and we will”.”
That utterly vague expansion
aside, the question remains over how much this will raise. Labour are still
talking “many millions”, a figure which they say has been suggested by “many
people” including “that bloke in the suit” and “a very nice woman – wears glasses,
swanky business card”. The Institute for Fiscal Studies, which will shortly
have to change its name permanently to “The Independent Institute for Fiscal
Studies”, says there are too many unknowns to put a figure on it.
1.05pm
The two old university friends on
opposite sides of the political divide are meeting for one of their lunches.
“This Non-Dom thing,” said Tory
to Lab. “Who knows how it would pan out?”
“I know old boy. They may just
leave the country, or they may stay,” replied the Labour man with candid
caution.
“But you’re on the right side of
this, message-wise. Why should there be exceptions for the rich? And I suppose
if people like Roman Abramovich leave, will the public really be sad to see
them go?”
“Well, I would,” said the Labour
man to his stunned opposite number.
“Really? Why?”
“I’m a Chelsea fan.”
1.15pm
David Cameron decides to take a
walk away from the electoral mire and stops by a Bolton school to read The Very Hunger Caterpillar to some
primary school children.
“Now, you see kids, if the
Caterpillar is indeed very hungry, why shouldn’t he be allowed to have
everything he can? Ponder that question if you will.”
“Out of the mouths of babes” and
all that. Or in this case, “Out of the body language of babes”, as one child
represents the mood of the nation.
2.00pm
The Greens have released a party
political with all of the other party leaders as a boy band.
No, really.
5.01pm
Preparations are well underway
for another banquet dinner at the home of a Non-Dom in Chelsea. He is delighted
to see that Labour have given him and other Non-Doms a few years to sort out
their tax affairs, and there is much to decide.
“The Cayman Islands have Seven
Mile Beach, but Mauritus is less likely to be hit by cyclones. Difficult
decision. Very difficult.”
1 Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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