Election Diary - Day 26: Cameron Gets the Bollywood Treatment

Friday 24th April
6.00am

The alarm went off, and played “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher. It always played “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher.

Only joking, but the entirety of the election has ground to something of a halt, and no-one feels this more than the pollsters (except maybe daily satirists) , who are currently living in a really boring episode of ER were every day they say “Oh look, it’s flat-lining”.

Journalists, bloggers and others are close to taking matters into their own hands. Krishnan Guru-Murthy is going to roam the country asking politicians awkward and irrelevant personal questions. A potential final debate is going to be replaced with a straight-out drinking contest. And, that Royal Baby needs to arrive, if not later today then on Monday so it can dominate the news-cycle for a bit and distract us from this ghastly, over-arching tedium, with some nice, over-arching tedium.

In the meantime, here’s more excruciatingly stage-managed bullshit.

6.05am

“Ed, I’ve found a speech we could use as a base for your Foreign Policy speech.”

“What does it say?

“It goes on about poor post-conflict planning, greatest loss of international influence in a generation, stuff like that.”

“Where is it from?”

“A Tory candidate in the 2005 election.”

7.00am

The morning's Tory telephone conference was very confusing. It was hell for the transcriber, but here is their work.

Lynton Crosby: Today, we are focussing on English Votes for English Laws.

William Hague: The EVEL plan?

Lynton Crosby: Yes. The EVEL plan.

George Osborne: Not our Evil Plan.

Lynton Crosby: You mean the welfare cuts?
George Osborne: Of course.
Lynton Crosby: No, no. No-one mention our Evil Plan.

Nicky Morgan: Wait. We don’t mention the EVEL plan?

Lynton Crosby: No, no. Everyone mention the EVEL plan. No-one mention the Evil Plan.

George Osborne: Could I hint at the Evil Plan and then laugh maniacally?

Lynton Crosby: No. Why would you do that?

George Osborne: It would scratch an itch.

Boris Johnson: Which Evil Plan are we not to mention?

George Osborne: There’s only one Evil Plan.

Boris Johnson: What if a hypothetical Tory, perhaps with a dashing physicality and flowing locks, were to be confused about our Evil Plan?

George Osborne: How could they get confused about that?

Boris Johnson: Well, many reasons. For instance, he may have Evil Plans of his own.

1.07pm

So, yes, today’s news is heavy and dry and you will all make up your own minds about Ed Miliband's comments on Libya.

As for me, I am reminded of the old adage that there are no votes in foreign policy. There aren’t any laughs in it either.

Unless it comes from The Conservative Friends of India that is, who have brought a streak of tremendous colour to this drab day in the election campaign. They have written a campaign song for the Tories called “Neela hai Aasma”, or “The Sky is Blue”, and it says:

“The Sky is Blue. The Sky is Big. Vote Tory.” (Okay, I added the last bit.)

The pictures in the video can basically be described as The Camerons at Number 42, as we are showered with photos of David Cameron meeting Indian people and being very multicultural. Photos such as this:

 And this:

It is actually the most positive piece of campaigning yet to have been generated by the Tories, focussing on their record and citing positive newspaper headlines.

It ends up like Bride and Prejudice, where Dave is Mr Darcy, and culminates with the catchy chorus line where myriad happy voices chant “David Cameron! David Cameron!”
Here it is:

If the Conservative Friends of India were running the Tory PR machine, the nasty party would be no more. As they say in the song, “Come let’s meet with this colour of blue”.

I don’t know what they mean either, but it’s really sweet. Very catchy. Kind of like being brain-washed by a Tory Shah Rukh Khan.

Here’s the whole thing:

2.01pm
Can't get that bloody "David Cameron! David Cameron!" chorus out of my head.

2.28pm

David Cameron (yes – him from the music video) has been asked which Cabinet member he would suggest to take over from Daniel Craig as the next James Bond, and he said: "William Hague's fit, he's healthy, he does yoga - he can probably crack a man's skull between his kneecaps."

What the hell went on in Cabinet?

In answer to the same question, Nigel Farage (in a uncharacteristcally egotistical moment for him) suggested himself, and Ed Miliband said Rosamund Pike as the first female Bond, as he continued to flirt with the entirety of the liberal female population.

4.41pm

“Has Kate gone into labour yet?”

“No.”

Silence.

“David Cameron! David Cameron!”

The Election Diary will return on Monday morning with a review of the weekend.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.