Saturday 11th April
3.45pm
Intriguing news from the world of
nominative determinism. It appears that your voting intention may be largely
down to your name. To illustrate this, you are 31% more likely to vote for UKIP
if you are called Nigel.
Most tellingly of all, though, we
have discovered that the name most likely to produce a Lib Dem voter is Tim. Which
makes sense. It just is a Lib Dem name, perhaps best encapsulated by Tim
Henman: well-meaning and involving a lot of public faith, but ultimately a bit
useless when things get serious.
6.30pm
Oxford beat Cambridge in the
University Boat Race. This causes a split in the Cabinet. As it does every
year.
Sunday 12th April
9.50am
It’s been a rough Sunday morning
for George Osborne. Gideon, for it is
he, was on The Andrew Marr Show, and
was challenged about where the Conservative party was going to find its
promised £8bn for the NHS.
An exact transcript of his
response reads: “Ah, well, long-term economic plan, savings, responsible
accounting, leprechaun, pot of gold, end of the rainbow, second prize in a
beauty contest – collect £10, winner on the National yesterday.”
“You’re not answering the
question, Chancellor.”
“Look, do you want the truth
Andrew? Can you handle the truth?”
“Yes, I can George.”
“At 5pm on Friday, I received an
e-mail from a member of the Nigerian Royal Family.”
9.58am
Things look up for Gideon just
before the end of the programme, when Labour’s Harriet Harman says that
accusing Ed Miliband of backstabbing the nation is the sort of negative
character assassination that just turns people of politics.
Andrew Marr chips in with “What
about when you call him and David Cameron posh boys?”
“But they are!” replies Harriet.
“It’s still just prejudice and
hardly substantive.”
“Fine,” says Harriet, before
muttering under her breath “And Danny Alexander’s a ginger rodent.”
11.08am
Devastating news. Joey Essex is
not going to meet David Cameron. Joey is naturally upset, but says “I can’t say
he’s not reem.” (I’m really growing to like Mr Essex).
This is another example of
Cameron’s evasive attitude toward interviews and public scrutiny. First the
debates, now Joey Essex. Clearly, the Prime Minister doesn’t wish to face the
tough questions.
11.35am
However, Mr Cameron is
happy to announce his party’s new policy on inheritance tax, making it easier
for middle class families to hand on their homes to their children. He sells
the idea by saying that the desire to pass on your home to your children is a “natural
instinct”.
Interesting plan this,
particularly as Mr Cameron has three children and lives at Number 10, Downing
Street. How are they going to sort that little inheritance out?
11.45am
Narcissistic reality TV star and hat model George Galloway has been in the news after he struck a blow for
justice this week by revealing that his Labour opponent in Bradford West, Naz
Shah, lied to her prospective constituents about being subject to a
forced-marriage when she was 15.
George has uncovered that Ms Shah
was actually subject to a forced-marriage when she was 16. WHICH MAKES ALL THE
DIFFERENCE. She might as well have claimed that she became subject to a forced-marriage
last Tuesday.
We all know well that magical
moment at midnight on your 16th birthday, when suddenly you become
completely autonomous and are subject to your will alone (even when someone is
FORCING YOU TO MARRY SOMEONE!), and only make decisions that you never, ever
regret. It’s why no-one over the age of 16 ever drinks cheap cider, gets
horribly ill and ends up in Mr McGregor’s field shouting “Put that fork down,
Mr McGregor! I’m not even a rabbit!”
But I digress. Labour claim that
actually Ms Shah was telling the truth, but Mr Galloway still insists that she
is a fantasist and a deluded liar – the sort of character that Mr Galloway has
no personal experience of at all.
4.50pm
A final election observation from
yours truly. This afternoon, I was driving around London’s glorious M25, and
was pleased to see the traffic was flowing more freely than usual. However,
towards the turn off for Woking, there was one of those jams which have no
cause over than people slowing down as the mood takes them.
If one is lucky, one may glimpse
the reason of the distraction that lead to this spontaneous mass-braking. What
I saw was one UKIP poster. Then I saw a second UKIP poster. Clearly, someone
was really committed. The third UKIP poster rolled into vision, and then I saw
there were no more UKIP posters. After which I noticed that the traffic had
mysteriously cleared.
Now, there are two options here.
Either people were slowing because they were downright disbelieving of what
they were seeing, shouting obscenities and rubbing their eyes. Or maybe the
UKIP poster is actually working. The purple and yellow combination is
bewitching motorists to slow down and consider voting UKIP.
Or maybe most of the people who
use that part of the M25 are called Nigel.
The guy in front of me was
definitely called Tim. He drove at Volvo, at 65, all the way down the middle
lane.
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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