Saturday 18th April
3.53pm
Nigel Farage is not a man for
understatement, and this weekend he has been at it again. He’s compared himself
to Gandhi.
Speaking on Saturday, he said: "I
am taking on the status quo. I am taking on their very, very comfortable lives.
But if you look through history anybody that challenges the status quo, whether
in business, science or politics, they have a go at you. And it was Gandhi, of
course, who said 'first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they
fight you and then you win'."
A rather extraordinary comparison,
particularly considering that Gandhi was a one-time expatriate, ascetic, and
tee-total. Whereas, Nigel Farage dislikes all expatriates, is given to
self-indulgence, and thinks tee-totalism is something to do with golf.
But you have to applaud the
gutsiness of the man. Keep going Nige, because first they ignore you, then they
laugh at you, then they laugh at you some more, and then you compare yourself
to Gandhi and they roll around on the floor pissing themselves.
As if to reinforce the
questionable strength of the comparison, a UKIP councillor was arrested this
weekend in connection with an alleged assault at a meeting of the anti-extremist
group Hope Not Hate. Hard to think of anything less in keeping with the life of Gandhi than an act of violence against a peaceful group.
4.52pm
Meanwhile, the battle for the
seat of Lewes has been all but decided after a penalty shoot-out at a match on
Saturday. The Greens won after their candidate was the only one to score at
all. However, it is encouraging to know that the quality of our prospective MPs
is on a par with the quality of our footballers.
Sunday 19th April
10.01am
Angry David Cameron woke up the
nation this morning with another raging performance on The Andrew Marr Show. The first question was whether the Tories’
private polling said that they have close to no chance of forming a majority. Cameron
insisted that private polling does show a chance of a majority, adding that the
research also shows that Elvis is alive, pig-aviation is more probable than not,
and reports of bear defecation in the woods have been greatly exaggerated.
Time is running out for the Prime
Minister, with recent polls seeming to give Labour a small lead. He still has
to persuade very many people, and Cameron refers to such moments as an “essay
crisis”, which means that over the past five years he hasn't done any of the
reading, has been partying too much, and is now running on an ungodly combination
of Red Bull, pizza and Haribo.
Marr closed the show with a final
joust with Dave, before announcing that next week’s will feature Ed Miliband
and Boris Johnson. Well, with a line-up like that we all know what DC is going
to be watching next Sunday morning: Rastamouse
on CBeebies.
1.45pm
What Cameron is really lacking
though is sex appeal. Whereas at one point he was listed as one of the 100
sexiest men in the world, the Prime Minister is now old news: the centre-spread
from another decade.
No such trouble for his opponent,
because whereas Cameron is not, Ed Miliband is most definitely hot. Tales of
him becoming the most unlikely political sex symbol since Robin Cook are
widespread, and a recent article in The
Daily Mail (which had nil political content but is now being adapted by
ITV2 into a six part series called The
Only Way is Hampstead) illustrated his sexy past.
For reasons that surely pass all
understanding, some people have doubted Ed’s raw animal magnetism. Well, doubt
no more, and witness this mobbing of the Leader of the Opposition from a hen
party in Cheshire.
Not even Harry Styles gets this
sort of reception. One girl can be heard saying “I think I’m going to cry,” and
she says this in a very positive way. They demand selfies and one says that he
is “adorable”.
At future Labour rallies, we can
expect pants to be thrown on stage and Ed signing people’s breasts. Riders are
being sent out ahead of 30th April’s Question Time Leaders’ Special to accommodate for his groupies, and
giddy teenagers screaming “Play “The Cost of Living Crisis” again”.
Meanwhile, Nick Clegg is left going through his
black book which contains his 30 sexual conquests, and David Cameron is left to
stare into the mirror, gussy himself up and mournfully try to convince himself
that he’s still got it.Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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