I ache for the touch of your lips, dear!
But much more for the power of your whips, dear!
0.00am
Conservative Campaign Headquarters is going on into the
night trying to spin The Leaders’
Question Time.
“Remember guys: the line is that Cameron is strong and
commanding,” says Lynton Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
Everyone hustled and bustled trying to get the word out, but
two aides are concerned.
“Piers, everyone’s saying Dave’s strong and commanding.”
“I know, Nathaniel.”
“And everyone’s tweeting exactly the same thing.”
“I know, Nathaniel.”
There is certainly some strong commanding going on somewhere. #bbcqt pic.twitter.com/5ue3RB7vMS
— Robert Hutton (@RobDotHutton) April 30, 2015
“That looks pretty stupid, doesn’t it Piers?”
“I know, Nathaniel. But it is a very strong, commanding
way of being stupid.”
0.31am
Ed Miliband stumbled into his hotel room, to discover
Justine Miliband waiting for him.
“Did you see me on Question
Time?”
“What’s your name?” asked Justine.
“Err… Ed.”
“Thank you for that question, Ed. It’s a really important
question and let me tell you why.”
“You did see it then.”
“Why did you keep on doing that Ed? It was so formulaic. At
times it sounded like you were going to say “What’s your name? Elizabeth? And what’s
your number, Elizabeth? It’s a great number, Elizabeth, and let me tell you
why.” Why do you keep on saying “Let me tell you”? Who’s stopping you? And you
stood so close to the audience. Why? So they could smell the musk of your animal
magnetism.”
“Look, Justine, let me tell you…”
“Stop it.”
“Alright. I’m going to brush my teeth.” The Labour Leader
stood up and began to walk away, but tripped over, trying to cover it up by
pretending to wave to Justine.
6.00am
A phone rings out into the calm of the morning.
The Prime Minister answered it, pressing the accept button
in a strong, commanding fashion.
“David William Donald Cameron!”
“Mother?”
“You know it was my birthday a few weeks ago.”
“Yes. I got you a gift.”
“I know, darling, and I really do like the signed copy of
the manifesto, but is that it?”
“I’m sorry mother, but as you’ll have seen on Question Time last night, owing to my
dreadful inheritance there is no money left.
“What are you talking about? Your father and I left you
plenty.”
“No, no. Not that inheritance. Didn’t you get the letter I
sent you?”
“But that was signed by a Liam Byrne, five-years ago.”
“It’s still valid as a Get Out of Jail Free Card.”
7.00am
Conservative Campaign Headquarters releases a statement:
“David Cameron had a strong, commanding breakfast of Scott’s
Porage Oats (because he believes in the Union) and Bovril (the strongest, most
commanding of hot drinks).”
10.40am
David Cameron has described this as a “career-defining
election”. Well, you can’t say that’s not honest.
4.11pm
There’s a lot of flirting going on. Admittedly, it’s a bizarre
form of flirting: like between the last remaining survivors on Earth who don’t
actually like each other.
Ed said flatly last night that he would never go out with
Nicola. Nicola has sent him an angry text: “You know you’ll never be the man
you want to be without me. Mark my words, you’ll come crawling back!”
Ed is saying he’s not going to be flirting with anyone. The
tease. Is he playing hard to get?
Dave, meanwhile, has been rather cruel to his ex-wife, Nick.
He rings the Lib Dem leader up and says: “Look, we’ve tried it, it was full of
good times, but I don’t want to do it again.”
“Oh,” says Nick, trying not to sound hurt, before resorting
to a little bit of emotional manipulation. “Well, I do want to do it again. I’m
just not sure with whom.” Very coy.
Nigel Farage is coming out as a bit of a swinger. “I could
get into bed with Dave. I could get into bed with Dave and Nick. Just so long
as we all agree not to holiday on the continent.”
The mood is ostensibly celibate but, when all is said and
done, Ed could have a clandestine affair with Nicola (no-one has to know about
it, but they’ll cuddle up to each other every time there’s a division), Dave may
just end up wandering around as Billy No Mates, whilst Nick will just try and get
with whoever has the biggest mandate, like some kind of constitutional
gold-digger.
So much for the darkened rooms of coalition negotiations. The best they can hope for is some candlelit rooms, adorned with rose petals and smooth jazz in an attempt to get the mood going, whilst the worst would find the leaders being treated like the pandas in Edinburgh Zoo, being forced to procreate, as it were, whether they like their partner or not.
So much for the darkened rooms of coalition negotiations. The best they can hope for is some candlelit rooms, adorned with rose petals and smooth jazz in an attempt to get the mood going, whilst the worst would find the leaders being treated like the pandas in Edinburgh Zoo, being forced to procreate, as it were, whether they like their partner or not.
The Election Diary will return on Sunday with the Weekend Round-Up. Summaries of the election so far will be released across the weekend.
Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.
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