The Weekly Diary: 15th - 19th June

Turns out the United Kingdom Independence Party know bugger all about unity

Monday 15^th June

What excitement there has been. Some people have lived to fight another day, whilst others have been cruelly cast aside, perhaps never to be seen again, and even I’m not sure whether I’m talking about the Season Finale of Game of Thrones, or the Labour Leadership Race.

Jeremy Corbyn has made it onto the ballot, having received sufficient nominations with but seconds remaining until the deadline, which drove the Westminster Press Corps batty with excitement. However, this was as nothing to the visit of Lionel Richie to Parliament. He looked a little lost, but no-one knows who he was looking for. (Boom! Boom! Thank you. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

Tuesday 16^th June

American Presidential Election news, now, and the news, my friends, is joyous. By which I mean it’s terrifying, but the road to hell is paved with laughter.

There are more Republicans running for President than FIFA Officials running from the Feds. They include Rick Santorum (an anti-gay politician whose name has been made synonymous with a by-product of buggery), Rick Perry (the former Governor of Texas who crashed out of the last campaign by forgetting what he was saying and trying to cover-up with the masterly utterance of “Oops”), and now Donald Trump.

Yes, Donald Trump: the man who tried to trademark the phrase “You’re fired”. He also said “Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich” and of a recent President he remarked “He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!”

Now, you might think that he was referring to George W. Bush, who was the last President not to win the popular vote in 2000. But, no. He was talking about the last President who undoubtedly won the election. You know the one he means. The black one.

Of course, it’s unfair to infer that the President’s colour had any impact on Mr Trump’s views, even though he’s accepted that he probably once said “Black guys counting my money! I hate it,” and that “laziness is a trait in blacks”.

But, on the other hand, he has a big tower. And fabulous hair which I’m sure is as genuine as he was when he said "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks."

Wednesday 17^th June

This evening saw the first Labour Leadership Hustings, where the four candidates all passed the initial test of being better on camera than Ed Miliband. As such, the focus rather surprisingly turned to policy. Jeremy Corbyn spoke for Old Labour, Liz Kendall spoke for New New Labour, Andy Burnham spoke for whatever seemed most opportune at the time, and Yvette Cooper spoke for none of the above. If you fancy a flutter, back the none of the above candidate.

Thursday 18^th June

Suzanne Evans, who became prominent during the election as a Ukipper who seemed, well, normal, gave an interview to the BBC’s Daily Politics, in which she said of party leader Nigel Farage: “I think Nigel is a very divisive character in terms of the way he is perceived. He is not divisive as a person but the way he is perceived in having strong views that divide people.”

Mr Farage heard this and felt that the best way to prove that he was not divisive in this way was to sack the woman for having an even moderately dissenting view.

An e-mail was sent out to all Ukippers saying that no-one was to have any further contact with her, that she was not to be put out as a party “spokesman” (the “man” being a nice, Farage touch), and that she was not to be briefed or advised. The e-mail was forwarded to the BBC, presumably by a UKIP staffer committed to the sort of unity only UKIP can provide.

Friday 19^th June

News filters through that Suzanne Evans has not been sacked. This means that UKIP have a leader who “unresigned”, an advisor in the form of Matthew Richardson who “unquit”, and now a senior figure who has been “unsacked”.

Those who have left the party remain bullish however, with former advisor Raheem Kassam having recently described the campaign to get Nigel Farage elected in South Thanet as thee “single best campaign ever, ever in British politics, bar maybe the Bradford spring”. Of course, the official UKIP description of that result was that it was a seat that they “unwon”.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense. Though every Donald Trump quote is verifiable.